35 Lessons Learned From Having Kids

1.  There is no such thing as childproofing your house.

childproofing

2.  If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.  If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.

4.  It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 room

5.  A 2-year-old’s voice is louder than 100 adults in a crowded restaurant.

kid restaurant

6.  Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

7.  When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit.

8.  You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

9.  A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

10.  The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

baseball window

11.  When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh-oh”, it is already too late.

12.  Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smokes–lots of it.

13.  A 6 year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies.

14.  A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

magnifying-glass-fire

15.  If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes.

16.  A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 square foot house almost 3 inches deep.

17.  Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.

18.  Duplos will not.

19.  Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence.

20.  Super Glue lasts forever.

woman glued to toilet

21.  MacGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.

22.  So can Tarzan.

23.  No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can’t walk on water.

24.  Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

25.  VCR’s do not eject Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

boy_putting_sandwich_in_vcr

26.  Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

27.  Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

28.  You probably don’t want to know what that odor is.

29.  Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

30.  Plastic toys do not like ovens.

31.  The fire department in my neighborhood has a 5-minute response time for oven fires.

Kitchen-fire-safety

32.  The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

33.  It will, however, make cats dizzy.

34.  Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

35.  A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life. (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

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